Reconnaissance with Ryk (likewise Lou) at Temptation Cafe

April 19th.

Few could have predicted what would happen on Saturday 19th April.

Both myself and Louis Browne can count ourselves fortunate that when placed in a situation that occurs less frequently than Halley's Comet, we were with someone that has been studying the dark arts of improvisation for over a year. When you stumble across something that has no right to be there, when an event occurs that should never happen, when you end up somewhere that shouldn't really exist, the only thing you can do is improvise. And with Ryk Waters, improvise we did.

It had been a fairly standard breakfast. Ryk, a fellow member of Kemp Town F.C., had given me some good advice with regards to improving my life. Basically, all that needs to be done is to use the responses "thanks a latte!" and "tea-riffic!" when receiving the appropriate hot beverage in a cafe environment. It's as simple as that. Set phasers to pun. The three of us (for we were joined by club captain Lou) also chatted about exercise, standing on logs, and future TV hit Hangover Quest (Ready Steady Cook contested by those suffering from deep existential crises). It was all going to plan, up until we made the fateful decision to leave central Brighton and head up towards Hanover.

We had decided to go up to Hanover to seek a venue where Lou could watch some football in the close vicinity of his girlfriend's house. Ryk suggested The Constant Service, and so we began our ascent up from the base camp of Grand Parade, traversing the treacherous slope of Albion Hill. Hills; so often portrayed as an otherworld in folklore and traditional storytelling. Hills are an escape, a retreat, a wilderness away from the intrigues and rush of urban dwelling. The hills are a nowhere when unimaginable things can and do happen. It is in the hills where prophets can have their visions and the unwary can meet their end at the hands of fantastical beasts.

A combination of these two things occured to us on that fateful day. We encountered the Hanover Plug.

Artist's impression of the Hanover Plug

Many have spoken of the Hanover Plug, always in hushed tones. Songs have been sung. Carvings have been made. Intricate carvings, by rustic artisans and penniless wordsmiths. Carvings upon the collective consciousness of generations. All of the generations. Despite the indelible effect that the Hanover Plug has had upon Sussex, vast numbers dispute its very existence. Many a time has an individual descended from a journey into those very hills, told others of that sighting that he had made, only for his story to be dismissed as the ravings of a madman. He's crazy, the people say. He's suffering from a lack of oxygen, or overexposure to puns. They pat him on his head and send him on his way if he is lucky, otherwise he will be cast out of the city, pelted with stones, and forced to write his breakfast blog from the safety of a thorn bush on the Downs.

Well, if there's one thing you choose to believe from this blog entry, let it be the review of the breakfast. But if you have space in your heart ready for all of the truth in our world, then please believe me when I write this: that day, we three saw the Hanover Plug.

And so, the breakfast:

Vegetarian Breakfast

Griddled halloumi, balsamic field mushrooms, wilted spinach, roasted tomatoes, free range Sussex eggs as you like them, fresh toast and baked beans

Vegetarian Breakfast - £8.95

"When you cook them right / Such a delight"

Louis Browne

Temptation Cafe was a pleasant place to spend a Saturday morning. Although it felt somewhat like a canteen at a college or uni (the combination of the furniture and flooring), this was offset by fine musical choices, local art on the walls and knitted tea cosies that resembled moles burrowing out of the ground.

It was also a pleasure to have halloumi served as part of the breakfast. The halloumi on offer here was a classic example of how this could be the premium flesh option for the vegetarian; a rich salty flavour twinned with that smooth and chewy texture that has me salivating just thinking about it. This was perfectly cooked and set the tone for the rest of the dish.

21st Century Scott and Oates

Rich flavours were prevalent across the plate, thanks to some thoughtful cooking from the Temptation Cafe staff. The mushrooms too were cooked to perfection; soft but also chewable, with a strength to the tongue being underlined with a peppery aftertaste. The spinach also benefited from extra care in the kitchen, maintaining a freshness to touch but with an extra buttery comfort to them. Little intricacies like these went a long way in establishing the breakfast as a potent force.

There was a great variety of textures on offer to accompany those powerful rhythms making my tastebuds bop. The toast was carved softly by an artisan, providing a crunchy hug. The fruitiness of beans washed like running soup. The poached (though they could have been scrambled or fried) eggs were pure and lush, offering the silken explosion that I always yearn for. The tomatoes were sharp, their flesh felt bright in my mouth. The mouthfeel, oh the mouthfeel. It was top.

I'm not a fan of the M&S approach to making food seem special. No matter how many adjectives you add, Dorset sea-salt and cask-aged Balsamic vinegar is still going to be plain old salt and vinegar to me. Despite Temptation Cafe utilising this nefarious tactic, I was able to forgive them upon eating their wares. It was all well-cooked, with an air of care that came across on the plate. The only thing holding it back from greatness was the price, and perhaps that campus aura. Still, in a world of uncertainty, the Temptation Cafe can be held up as a place where you won't need to improvise in the fastbreaking stakes.

Function: warming and feisty - 4/5
Adherence to canon: Yes
Taste: rich and thoughtful - 5/5
Value: just about justifiable - 3/5
Presentation: practical and pretty - 4/5
Venue: could have been a bit more homely - 3/5

Overall: a tempting prospect if you're in the area - 4/5

 Let them know on Twitter if you've spotted the Hanover plug:
@rykwaters
@loubrowneIOW

Authentic or hoax?

#HanoverPlug